through the storm

Who do I want to be? What about my life philosophy makes me my life worth living? What am I doing everyday of my life that makes my a happier person? Do I make anyone else happy? What can I say about my life and how I have changed through out the years and yet I still find myself a fish that tries to breathe on the sandy shores. sure everyone in awhile a wave will reach me replenishing me with enough life to sustain myself until the next wave comes along, but is such a strenuous life style worth living. Always waiting for the next five minutes of happiness, pleasure, anything that makes me feel alive for the time being. There was once a time where I wasn't so in need for sustainence. I was a shell holding in all my feelings and refused to feel desire or love towards any man. Many would say I was just an independant strong woman who had her head on straight instead of all the girls with their heads in the clouds. I didn't believe in fantasy, fairy tales, or that romantic love lasted and I'm not so sure I do even til' this day. yet, I know and have seen the few families and couple who have made their lives, though not without some struggle, very joyful homes and who seem still very much in love. I have always in secret, hidden deep within my shell, wanted a love and a family such as one of those. For so long I held a deep hatred towards all the men and their horrid actions of tearing down women since the beginning of time, and as time passed along especially how men have wronged me. Yes, I might have been naive in some of my prejudices but I was years ahead in my philosophy of love. I took it extremely serious and however much I do belive in religious virtues I hid behind them as an excuse to bury my desires and my romantic emotions further within me. It wasn't just that but I was afriad of what power a man could hold over me. I saw needy girls distraught and broken hearted because of one man saying a few hurtful words, or a simple no, and no matter how obviously awful he was of man didn't matter. I see insecure little girls running around trying to be everything at once making sure their skirts are short enough and their make-up is mature enough, and so on just for a guy to say one compliment that makes them feel special for five minutes until they need more. I promise I would never be that girl. How I prevented not becoming that girl meant being as heartless and never playing hard to get but just plain being impossible to get made this very easy. What was really happening was me being shut off and locking up all my feelings so i didn't care about anyone was like locking up a wild tiger in a cage. My feelings run deeply for anything that goes on in my life. Perhaps its something about my bi-polar disorder that does this but my feelings are extremely passionate, my love, hate, anger, sadness, justices, and so on all run deep. After awhile with my feelings growing I crumbled at God's feet and suddenly an over flowing river of feelings and emotions broke through the dam I had created to keep it all at bay. for Awhile It was an amazing feeling I hadn't cried for so many years that it became all I did. As time went on these feelings had somehow taken control. The fearless independant me became paranoid and lonley. Nothing in this world inspired me to live and one day I decided I would just stop breathing. God seemed to have other plans and though it has been gradual and is still gradual he is ever patient and so is the man he put into my life. I am at a point where I am in incredible need for strength and independence. I am in greater need for my anxeity and fears about love and my life failing needs to disipate. My problem is figuring out how to keep the heart that God has gifted me with and yet keep my strength and independence that I once had without turning into a a cold hearted shell at the same time. I either open my heart to its fullest or I shut it tight to never let anyone near. My mind has been unstable that I can actually feel things clicking into place again as I start grasping concepts of how to be this beautful woman that I so desperately want to become.Geniunely Ican feel myself on the brink of my sanity and finding myself, and yet so much more frustrating when I fail and lose myself again and push away God, my wonderful boyfriend, and in some cases even my friends. I fully plan for the next year from here on to start a life that is going to send me back to myself, or rather forward to a better self that I will and can be. Apparently the first step is forgiving yourself and its the hardest one as well. So maybe I'll start with that and then follow along after.

Camarillo

If I could burn down a city and walk away with nothing but a smirk on my face it would be a small town secluded and isolated from the rest of the world. It would be a city where every one in it is full of bullshit, stuck in the same routine and running their mouths like an a bad rap albulm on repeat; sputin' all the same shit with all the same rhymes. In this town its a generation of never never land that couldn't grow up. they play the same highschool games and and im sick of their immature politics. the blindness and fake made up kindness is driving every one insane. the drugs and the pain has got everyone on edge with a twitch in their eye everytime they lie and that painted on smile singing everyone a lullabye and holding a 45 at your back. You can hear it being cocked and like a bitch you bend over like a gay porno. in this town everyone wears a strap on and no one has any balls except the ones that make all the calls. this town is sick with the plague, fucked in the brain, shittin out drama like its runnin' out of style raised wrong by their mamas'. All of the relationships are like one big acid trip flipped upside down and spun around until you don't remember which way is solid ground. love is downloaded like virus put inside us and everyone around us watches implode and vomit the tar out of all our hearts. from the very start she was suckin' whose dick while who was it's dick was put inside her. and A is with B but B is really with C who fucking D, F, and G. People here have HIV, gonaria, and dilierium. they look in the mirror and see who they want to see and never who they are. always down on their knees the girls cant remember to walk on their own two feet. like 24 hour fitness they are never out of business until they pop out kid and that girl clocked out she's outta service. The guys are too busy lookin down on women that would do anything to please them can't look up to see the love thats right before them, or above them. just little boys who only know life's toys and no joys or satisfaction like a child trying all 31 flavors and when they get to the end they start all over agian. Its one big rave party join the S and M orgie. if sex was a drug this city would all OD and stink like the sea. condemn me if I let this be no one in this town should be able procreate and its not up for debate. please let me explain why no one here is to blame for all of their shame. they are all trapped in their own insecurities and failures; going no where in their lives. so poor they spend all their money on something that will make them forget all the madness and the sadness of it all is that this town has nothing to offer but boose and marijuana because the boredom is what motivates the fights its all that get us by with out it we would all die with nothin to do but staring at all the same faces and knowing that we aren't going places in life. we are stuck with each other forever and even though we all hate each other we hate ourselves more and so we follow the script and pretend to get along with one another. walking the red carpet and winning all of the oscars we're better than than soap operas or any of the glee, gossip girl episodes. this town is the better fake town of any real world city. we have more civil war than any third world country. this is the city that I would burn and destroy without any care in world. Ill strip everyone of the plastic and give them something to cry about, to die about, its time for a little anarchy and i'm coming for the monarchy and ill start from the inside out and devour now is the hour and no one can escape because I got the keys to this city's gate and im going to lock them in NO ONE GETS OUT! their all gonna burn while i turn and smirk at Camarillo crying ashes of true blood and all the fake fucked up bullshit.

Restaurant Lives

So Im sitting at a restaurant called, Norms. Of course this is ironic since everyone in here is anything but. In front of me are three asian teens; all of them sharing their plates like most asians do. They are also talking about new technologies that are going into curing cancer. Too my left is a rather large looking lady who is apparently on a diet as she asked for cajun chicken sandwhich which bread is fried with butter and with extra mayonaise. This is apparently some how healthier than her annual half pound burger. oh and instead of fries, (since she is of course watching her weight and oh believe me it isn't going anywhere, she needn't worry her pretty round head.) she insisted a side of caeser salad with extra EXTRA ranch dressing. Now as I have been typing this to my right two tables down is three people; one in particular extremely boisterous. He is a large young man possibly 29 years old wearing a black shirt and dark blue jean with a chain on his left side. he has plugs in his ears, tatts on his arms, and his black hair is slicked back like a 50's greaser boy. He is belting out "this is love!" at the top of his lungs so china can hear, but the funny thing is no one is paying attention. some give quick glances but other than thatare left completely unbothered by his ballad. His girlfriend with vibrant dyed red hair and also with a 50's greaser look to her gets up to go to the bathroom. He not only taps her on the ass as she goes but goes on to tell his friend that his soul goal tonight was to fuck her and that he really didn't care what happens with the "kid" situation. A previous conversation him and her had earlier when they first got there was that he was suppose to spend more time with his kid. I hope you aren't too repulsed yet because a couple just walked down and was seated diagonally to me. Both are fat and though one is wearing a leopard print tight dress, and has thee biggest blonde bimbo wig i have ever seen, and wearing make-up that she must have stolen from the Bobo the clown, they are both also men. Though there is clear potential in the relationship at hand. They are both insecure with who they are, and both are extremely lonely. Not lonley but are obviously gay since its know hidden secret that this she is in fact a he. So insecure, confused, and very lonely these two already have an understanding of one another. As for the details of their progressing relationship i never want to know. People just as interesting as the customers at this restaurant are the workers in it. We have two flamming gay lads, one as a happy host and the other a manger/waiter. There are three other girl waitresses whom all seem to be at war. They sneer and sneak glares at each other; rolling their eyes after one finally get out of their way they try to stay clear and not talk together. Then as they return to floor they each smile brightly and politely ask how they can serve their customers more. It's all very fake and as the night goes the fake is even more widely displayed upon their expressions as they forget to fine tune their masks from exhaustion. One of the asian girl's have just spilled what looks to be lemonade all over her pants. Across the floor a little ways is a party of eight who are all playing cards and laughing into the night as it is around one thirty. I would like to join if I knew any of them. I can see a couple in the far corner who are so baked they are leaning on each other while sitting and almost difting to sleep into their food. At least they are queit as four drunk mexican men stumble through the door laughing and calling each other stupid and retarded. As they pass by they call me minnie and say hi winking and still laughing. Besides being slightly repulsed I have to laugh queitly to myself. There is so much crazy versitile peoples that i have seen in one night that i'm curious for anyone to walk through that door to entertain me with their stories.

Nail's Dripping Blood

This world is running out of love
But remember that God is above
And His love is forever timeless
Can't you see society's blindness

Damage of all the lost humanity
Sex trafficking, drug dealing, and poverty
This is what we know and see,
As we sit back letting all this be

Everyone is like the sand
Slipping through the fingers on your hands
Our hearts are as concrete stone
No body else's sin can we ever condone
Pull out the log from in your eyes
And finally see your reflection and realize

Where were the hands and feet of God
When little Timmy got molested by his uncle Todd
And growing up in a house with two mothers
He felt much different than all the others
Searching for a love he couldn't understand
Was finally found in another man named Stan

Did anyone see her take her father's beating
Or the way that Alison wasn't ever eating
How about all the scars on her wrists
Maybe even watched her cry while her mind twists
Was there anybody else besides God around
Sixteen, her coffin buried six foot deep in the ground

No one was ever there for them
To tell 'em of a future when
They could be set free
Praying on their knees, "Take all of me."
But who was there to say
That they didn't have to pay

So how could they know
The cross is where to go
That it is with Him that you are worthy
And in Him you'll find your beauty
No one else can save the day
Out of sin and darkness He's the Truth, the Light, the Way

Don't be good girls and good boys
God isn't Santa Clause who gives out toys
Like glass He can see right through
And He will know if our hearts are true
Be the body, be the man with nails in His hands
A revolution where passion and love stands

With a sword in His mouth and tatts on His thighs
He will speak but a word and rid the world of lies
He says stop what you are doing, come, and follow me
but my path is full of thorns, cluttered with filth, it's dirty
I know you'll fail and fall away; I aleady paid that price
Know me; The I Am, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ!

The Fall

Well there isn't anything like starting over. when you think you've reach so far and worked so hard it all falls apart and i found myself in the shower curled up into a ball with my clothes still on crying and ready to give it all up. It had seven months and two days since I last had a serious thought of attempting suicide. it had been five months three weeks and three days since I last made myself bleed. I'm ashamed that I have come back to the beginning however, this time, I have the necessary tools to redirect my thoughts. For me it will be living in the exact moment with no future or any past but strictly within that present moment in which i am living. My anxiety is back at its climax and i'm seriously debating if i don't need to get an inhaler. I have been going to a psycologist regularly, twice a week for about a month now and it has been helpful so far, yet I fear that I haven't gotten to the hard part. As of right now my exercise is keeping a journal of my deep and darkest thoughts and at the end of each month I am supposed to go back read through them. Though, I am not sure how it is supposed to help me or what I'm supposed to learn from it, I am writing. For my thoughts to be strewn out onto paper has been a terrifying experience. It had always been my thought not to keep a diary, journal, ect... for the pure fact that leaving any evidence of the twisted dark braids of my mind to anyone who might stumble upon it accident or otherwise as me horrified. I have the fear that if anyone were to know that darkness writhing inside of me not only would be terrified in return but might call attention to my inhumanity. they might have me taken away where doctors and psychologist could do experiments and studies on me, or say that I'm a danger to society and need to be contained somewhere safe. Whatever the case I do not like that there is a piece of my mind on paper awaiting lurking eyes. I have decided to put up some of those pages on here so if you are reading then you'll get to see some of the dark strands leaking from the furthest caverns of my mind. Not many people at all have been inside. Few have perhaps gotten a glimpse but not much further than that. Perhaps when you get a glimpse you will veer away as well not that I would mind but don't say I didn't warn you.

Thoughts For Chewing

Of course its late and i can't sleep at all. I have the choice of taking vicadin but i am not sure I should. I feel like working out and running in the rain both of which I can not right now. My breathing is heavy as if a large weight has been pressed down on my chest. This weekend I have chosen to hide from all the world and their festivities for Valentine's Day. I do not want to remember pain or feel longing for something that would ultimately end in my suffering and lonliness. You can call it bitterness but I asure you that even when i have been with a guy I never really believed in Valentine's Day. Why do you need a day to remind you to love the one whom you should be doting on regularly anyway? Isn't just another day? If it's not I would reevaluate your relationship. Please do not misunderstand me there isn't really any advice I have to give that should be valuable to anyone. What credential do I have in the advice of love when i can not hold onto one myself. I'm learning that love to me is nothing but a whisper that you could have sworn you've heard but was never loud enough to say you weren't just hearing things.
I try to fall into apathy on days like these but instead my mind takes me down a rabbit hole and in the midst of it's darkness I'm barley breathing. My anxiety is getting much worse recently. I haven't been eating and I have liked that a little too much as I used to. I don't want to go backwards but how else can I punish myself from hurting him like I did. Why couldn't I just shut up I loved him enough that it should have been easy. It wasn't that I didn't trust in his love for me but I didn't and still don't trust in love itself. I can understand why they all abandon me after seeing how ugly I really am. As my self pity and worthlessness swallows me I want out of it. there are a couple ideas in mind of how to get out. most of them should remain unsaid and will. writing them out would lure me towrds the idea more seeing it painted out in beautiful prose. No, the more logical route will be th one I choose. pyscholgist, self-efficient activity, and probably eventually God when I'm ready to face him. The weight of his Grace and my sins would send me under and as im already floundering I need to be in a stronger state of mind.
My thoughts seem chaotic and jumbled around like a bad stew. I have come to realize that I need something that will help me seperate myself from my emotions. I need to practice thinking rationally and logically. everything is irrational, emotional, and a tug-of-war never won. Everything is up for debate and its one big pool of existential nausiam. Though, nihilism is ever waiting close by for me with open an extended hand. I'm tired. btw song of the day, week, month is Paramore Turn it Off, though Brick by Boring Brick comes to a close second.