the wife or the girlfriend

So I recently came to an epiphany about how every guy leaves me in the end. I finally understand it and realized that not only is it completely true but it will be the very reason that I will never actually get married. Everytime a guy starts to seriously pursue me we have a lot of personal conversations. In these conversations the guy starts to get a sense of how amazing of a wife i'm giong to be. Sure they get attracted (somehow) to my general personality and quirks as a person but they are generally floored and in awe of how they actually found the girl different from the rest. They think things like "you are made for me" "we are perfect together" "i've finally found what i've been looking for." Essentially they find the girl they want forever but not necessarily right now, in me. (I realize how arrogant and full of myself I sound at the moment but a assure you this has all been said to me on how guys think about me not myself). So after finally finding the girl of their "dreams" they get the guts to do what they have to in order to become my boyfriend. Most had to fight for me others persued me for years showing me their dedication. I'm hard to impress and takes for me to see some real character in a man for me to let them into my lives in that way. There was no doubt in any of these boys' minds that they weren't truely in love with me and for what may have been the first time for them to genuinely want to prove that love to me. That in some magical extravagant way show me how sincere about "forever" they meant. They all were telling me the truth at the time when they meant it of course. All looking me in the eyes nervous and screaming at me with their very eyes; brown, blue, and green that they all had some unending love for me that not even they themselves could explain.
So where in all of hell did it fall apart. Why and what happened and who was to blame? How does a guy go from unconditionally loving you forever and ever til' death do us part and ever more after that become i'm leaving you? How does ,"I will never leave you," turn into watching them speed away as fast as they can with out so much as a glance back at you come from? My favorite of all phrases, "I will never hurt you," becomes a crooked dagger with barbs and a poisoned tip. Well for me it's because I happen to be the most perfect and the most amazing wife any guy could ever have. Oh yeah i said it. There is no one who can love or take care of a guy more or better than I can as a wife. Unfortunately this is the exact reason why guys leave me and its really ironic. The guys I date know that I'm a virgin and aspire to be until after marriage but that after I'm married I made a vow that I would have sex however, whenever, at any time they desire it. I think its healthy in a marriage and sex is an extremely good and fun thing inside marraige. Because apparently not a lot of girls do this (God only knows why) they think wow they got something good when they find me. Then when they ask for it or get bored with just making out with me as their girlfriend and not their wife, they start getting frustrated, disappointed, putting the guilt trip on me with their little sighs and tightening of their jaw muscles. Sure they try to be understanding but after a whole year or two the whole "i can do this pure thing because i love you so much," becomes a bit of task. As a girlfriend they hate it when I won't put out. They get bereaved whenever I give them the look of disapproval or when their standard of what "this is nothing," "im just playing" is actually seriously sexual and something as a wife i would do but not as their girlfriend. So difference number one as a wife you can do whatever, whenever, and you can joke around sexually, pick at me sexually, their aren't really any boundaries but as your girlfriend I'm simply off limits period. Whenever i have ever gotten sexual at all I was hesitant, never confident, always thinking I should not be doing this, or I feel uncomfortable. This drives a man nuts they hate it. As wife those dont apply because it is ok and right to be sexual. I am therefore confident, ready-to-go, never hesitant, will probably be the one to start it not forced into it. So they love who I am as a wife and not as a girlfriend.
I am really good at cooking and cleaning and any one i've dated knows, because i've cooked for them and I've definately cleaned for all of them. I'd do their laundry and fold it just right since guys are all anal about how precisely to fold their clothes. I would clean their house and make sure to keep track of things like keys, wallets, phones, other important things. I would be their personal tutor for some helping them on homework, teaching them english, help study for tests, or simply do the work for them. I would challenge them in their faith, make them think about God in different ways with out ever judging them ever or pushing too hard ever. These are small ways that I'm good at being a wife, and that I do do when I'm a girlfriend.
Things that I complain about being a girlfriend that does not matter when i'm a wife. One, you leaving me during a fight. Blowing off steam is one thing but never returning and leaving me and an unresolved fight is another. Of course when i'm your wife your eventually going to come back to your own bed which I will be in and whether you are still mad and want to sleep on the other side or want to come behind me while im sleeping and wrap your arm around me I will be there. You being with a girl I dont trust. No matter how much a girl trusts you when your in a relationship there is something so official and loyal and committing, a promise, something about the ring on the finger and "i do" that brings in a whole new level of trust and reassurance for a girl that I could trust you with a room full of naked girls. (though i'd probably question why you were in a room with them to begin with. I mean really thats just weird). So again the wife wins out from the girlfriend. More time passes and the girlfriend getting exhausting and boring and they ask themselves "where is the girl(meaning wife) that i signed on for." or " she is nothing like she said or i thought she would be why am i still with her." They think that because me as a girlfriend isn't like they wanted and that they wanted me as a wife, that now they don't want to marry me. They think how i am as girlfriend is how I will stay as wife. that i wont transition. They are so far from being right that I have to laugh for one, at them for making the biggest mistake of their lives and then two, for me because that is the very reason that I'll never get married. The irony of passing up all you ever wanted to the irony of never becoming all that I ever wanted to be for someone is astoundingly staggering to me.
In my experience I'm a terrible girlfriend and it is my fault that all my relationships fall apart. I'm to blame for all the fights and I never showed that I loved any one. I'm the girl who doesn't hug or liked being touched but if you were my boyfriend I'm the most cuddly and affectionate people I know but it has nothing to do with me loving you. I never cry but if you were my boyfriend you know i've cried for you whether good or bad either way you affected me that much. to mike, I bring pizza and soda to your little guy nights tell you that I love you and then leave you alone. I come to your rescue whether your suicidal or cutting yourself. I hold you as you break down from the pain and I come at 4:00 a.m. in morning no questions asked all I need was a "I need you." Not only did I cook and clean for all my boyfriends but for mike I'd play video games all day long and joined W.O.W. just to be with you. You wanted to see me all day long every day and dispite the clingyness i stayed with you because you asked does it matter that in the end you complained that i was the clingy one. did I complain about you hanging out with girls or you spending the night with them and was jealous all the time? yes, but i guess it didn't matter that you were constantly cheating on me and had lost my trust. Not only did you cheat on me but that you did it with my bestfriend and sometimes did it right in front of me. it doesn't matter that you lied about the drugs and alcohol and a dozen other things. You punched walls, backed me into corners, and ignored me because WOW was more important. After two months of us breaking up you were sexual in some way doesn't even matter with my sister. I still haven't forgiven either of you and i still dont know who is worse or whom i'm more upset with. The fact that almost all of camarillo cant stand me because you spread rumours about me, lied out right to them, and used your popularity and played the victim card because i was the one who ended it. so you cheated on me and i'm the bad bitch who broke your heart....And i may have ended it but i'm not the one who left. To antoine, I loved you rightly and godly. I restrained a part of who i am and let you tame the untamable. I was obedient, and i trusted you. you taught me to shut up, never to cry and to bottle it up and drop it. I let you hang out with whomever you chose no matter the girl or guy, does it matter that you refused your own friends to be with me. did it matter that i begged you to go out with your friends because you seemed to think its my fault that you have no friends anymore. its okay I'm used to the blame. when we fought i was the one to back down and submit. i gave up my pride for yours, something i've never done before. I gave up two friends for you because our relationship was more important than destroying it with the drama that would have come with them. I catered to you, merged into your culture for you, i held your hand through all your mom's surgery and held you as you cried in my arms those months your mom had cancer. loyalty, i thought you were strong in but really all you did was keep yourself from cheating. I should have left you when you left me at the taco bell. you sped off in the middle of a fight and never came back for me. you broke my trust then and never really gained it back. you couldn't understand why i cried over it for two days and became desolate for another three. i knew that if you could leave me then you couldn't take it if we had another big fight and you would leave. i couldn't trust you to be man enough to stick it out and i proved right. of course at the time it was "your being stupid i'd never leave you." No you didn't just leave me you left me three times and three times i died. "i dont know if i love you anymore." an hour went by and you swore you were crazy and didnt mean it. time passes by and it's "i dont love you anymore but i want to see if we can save this i've only been talking about getting engaged to you by next year." so a week passes and you swore you were being stupid and you loved me like brand new and talked about what you wanted for the wedding. notice i was silent. time passes and all of this with your mother getting cancer and me there through it all. " I dont love you anymore and i never will im leaving you." I'm nothingness now and a bit derranged which explains my moronic mistake named, Tyler Hannon.
I housed him, gave him money, drove him every where and i lived 40 some miles from him and his parents lived god knows how far. i'd take him there drop him off and leave or pick him up only to go back to his house before mine. He didn't want to be with me after a week of being with me lied everyday to my face all the while i took care of him. he would leave me to hang out with his ex girlfriend who hated me and still wasn't over him. he promised every day to end it and then wouldn't. i asked around thinking i was crazy and should be understanding about marin and his relationship only to find out people were saying I wasn't harsh enough. he would leave from eight at night to 2:00-5:00 in the morning after i spent so much on gas to see him and drive him even farther to his parents house in two days. he ignored my presence and starved me from any affection at all. most of the time i was silent about it but when i spoke up he said "get over it thats how i am" when in the beginning he couldn't let go of me. He tried to push for sex but whenever he went to far he couldn't go through with it. he had only wanted to get rid of me thinking i would dump him instead of being patient and having faith that he would change. which is everything i tell every other girl not to do. i've never trusted anyone like tyler before and he broke it worse than most men. i took a risk knowing that i was fresh out of a relationship but he more than assured me with lies of who he wasn't. i helped him through life and i was "the only thing keeping him close to God and alive." if i'm that special you'd think he'd hug me at least once a day or be compelled enough to want to just smile at me, or maybe wrap his arm around me. He left me wanting the wife i can be but won't be as his girlfriend. but its okay blame it on me. i put too much pressure, not enough sexuality, i'm clingy, dependpent, i demand too much, give too little love, i'm a bitch, and jealous, i'm paranoid, distrusting, and i'm always wrong in a fight, i talk too much, but i never say anything at all, i argue all the time, i shut up and drop the fight too often, and i'm doing all this and still making supper and i smile while you kiss me when inside i'm screaming for you to love me. look into my eyes and they write out a story plain and clear. wanting you to make me a priority and not just when its convienent for you. put me before your pride, your logic, your money, your, parties, your video games, your dont dos of living. If i run chase after me dont let me go, if i cry or yell hold me close, understand the difference of who i am as your girlfriend and whom i aspire to be as your future wife. If i'm wrong and dont know it do you need to make sure i know i'm wrong at the cost of our relationship? would you continue to prove that i'm wrong if you knew we were going to break up? were all those fights worth it? Am i worth you stepping down and making the gesture that you being right or me knowing i did something wrong doesn't matter and that you would rather love me? How far are you willing to drive to me? walk for me, run for me? what can you give up for me or do for me? this isn't of course one sided but in my experience nine times out of ten it has been. Can you tell me how fair it is to ask someone to be your wife without giving her the ring, without giving her that binding committment, without loyalty or honesty? how is it fair to her if she gives you her whole life and all that it really means to be a wife and you give her nothing but your rules that you can't break (like giving up sex, you won't back down from an arguement, you told yourself you'd never do such an such again, you won't run after another girl if she decides to leave.). She gives you her body, mind, and soul, her moral values, her submission, obedience and you give her a night out and complain that she needs to talk more, and when she does she needs to listen more. You give her flowers and then yell at her for wanting to talk on the phone at night with you because you dont feel like it. I'm sure she feels like giving you blow jobs everyday and picking up after your mess, and playing video games all day long with you. you can say "its her choice to i dont make her." and you know that after a couple months later its "why doesn't she play with me ever and she doesn't satisfy me ever, and she says she is clean but doesn't pick up stuff. i thought she was my dream girl what happen." you expect your girlfriend to be your wife by you only putting 100% only 20% of the time in the relationship when she has to put in 100% 101% of the time. if she makes a mistake once or twice its suddenly every day and all the time. well a girl knows how many times they screw up. they calculate, and remember their every mistake because we are masters of the emotional health of a relationship, where men not so much. they see facts and say A+b=c when we women aren't numbers. if we do something it doesn't mean its a fact of our personality we must do it all the time. also it doesn't mean that because we reacted one horrible way that we will do the same similar reaction towards something else. I learn right away and i'm careful not to make the same mistakes. or sometimes you caught me unusually when i haven't been myself for a period of time. i've gotten beat up, teased, sexually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused, everything that has ever happened bad in my life has been said to be my fault, i'm always wrong, i'm never good enough, im too weak. or too strong, too soft, or too hard, and never worth while for more than over a year to anyone. tell me how to not hate myself and think i'm insignificant? why should i have reason to believe that someone would fall to one knee because i was worth it for someone to go through the girlfriend to get to the wife? tell me i'm beautiful again for the millionth time and lie to me. why should i possibly start thinking of weddings or married life or kids when the idea of me having a happily ever after in a world of unhappy nevers tells me statistically it wont happen. i hate chik flicks because i cry. and not out of sappy love joy like the rest of girls on this earth. i hate chik fliks because i want the ending so badly and watching something that i'll realistically never have brings me so much pain i cry. if im watching a chik flik with you more than likely im getting a snack or going to the bathroom at the ending, where ever i am im not sitting with you anymore. So maybe one day miraculously a great guy will come up to me and say, "hey lets skip this girlfriend stuff and will you marry me here is the ring be my wife." otherwise i'm the awful girlfriendfriend and i'm sorry in advanced its all my fault and dont worry blame it on me because after all i can take it, i've been doing all my damn life.

My name is not important and it isn't like any of you could pronounce it even if you heard it spoken aloud anyways. You can call me Stitches or Kisses, and which one you'll choose will more than likely be a result of the opinion you'll have of me from what you read. I go to Hope International University and this is my second year attending. I'm five-foot-three, blue-eyed, clumsy, christian, love to work out, write, read, and living has become a bit of a task for me.
July 26, 2009 i found myself drinking a glass of tequilia with a hand full of pain killers. My attempt was unsuccessful; hence me here breathing and writing to you. So besides three days of horrible sickness I lived and needless to say that when I woke up and realized I wasn't dead I was pissed and cried for a full half hour. All I wanted was to be free of that pain that I felt. Pain that whenever I would breathe it stretched on and burned. Sometimes it was sharp but it was mostly a slow suffocating burn. It wasn't just the pain but my shame that drove me to my end. I am a child of God and i'm a sinner who can never love Him the way He loves me. I know that when i'm in heaven with Him that I can love Him the way He deserves to be loved. I will be without sin or pain and my selfish nature will diminish. Why does He want to keep me here on this earth where we are seperated by the sin in our every day lives? Why doesn't He want a pure relationship with me? One, in which that I can return His perfect love for my perfect love?
People always say how selfish it is for someone to commit suicide, because of all the pain they leave behind in those they leave behind. First, this is an emotional response of anger towards feeling abandonment from that person who took themselves away. I'd like those people to understand that when I tried to kill myself it wasn't because I didnt love anyone but because I love God more than them that I'd rather be with Him. Second, people have an uncanny ability to adapt, especially to pain. Though, for some of my loved ones the effects of my suicide would be painful and devasting, and yes, it would be long lasting, but they would live on and adapt. If your wondering about a domino effect happening where a loved one grieves so much because of my suicide she or he would end up doing the same, your wrong. Everyone I know is too strong to commit suicide and at the same time they aren't strong enough to be able to go through with it, or they believe suicides go to hell and they have too strong of a faith to go through with it. Some would be so angry at me that they couldn't do it for sheer hypocracy sake or probably because their anger has numbed the pain for them enough to never hit that low that allows you to be suicidal. If that all isn't true of any of my loved ones than they have such a support group and they love someone so much that they couldn't accept their loss by ending their own lives. What I mean by that is in order for you to go through with your own suicide you have to through a grieving process of loosing all your loved ones at once as if they themselves had died, knowing that ending your own life ends up as a result of leaving everyone behind for good. So when you say that they were selfish and didn't stop to think about what they were doing, your wrong? Suicides are a result of long term depression and careful calculated planning. A suicide thinks about a million ways to kill themselves before finally planning out when, how, slow, fast, easy, violent, symbolic, where, the time of day, who they need to talk to or see right before, what they need to "finish"...
After my disappointment of my first attempt I decided to pick out when I'd do it again. I was going on a road trip with my best friend/sister/cousin up north for a little over a week and then i'd go to college. I had a day right before college where i could do it, or I could see my college friends and then on sept. 10th I would do it and decided it would be then. So Sept. 10th 2009 I saw myself dying in one of two ways. The first I'd be in the back of a car and somebody not too close to me is driving really fast on the freeway and it's busy on the freeway but not too busy so that all the cars are traveling about 70 to 80mph. This is when I simply fall out of the car. It is a violent and would probably be painful for a time but i've never really had an adversion to pain and have mostly invited it for the majority of my life anyway. Seeing a flaw in my plan it wasn't likely that some random person would be driving me on my exact dead line so I decided that I'd drown myself. I like the floating feeling of water, its symbolic and I like the way my hair looks when flowing in the water. Contrary to belief there isn't much pain in drowning if you do it correctly. After holding my breath for awhile so I can relax myself I'd breathe in and out water as if it was just air. You must make sure you tell your body not to panic because your first reaction and instinct is to get to air and knowing it is right above you, you'll jerk up and struggle for it. So calm your self and just breathe to not breathe; its an irony I like and after the first wave of sharp pain when you flood your lungs and then the brain you'll go cloudy and drift off.
As you can see it's Sept. 18th and I'm still here, and no there was no attempt. I had a conversation with my old pastor who not only has my trust and respect but has been the voice of reason in my life for a good four to five years now. He has a knack for speaking God's words out loud and spearing them right into your gut and sometimes metal barbs are attatched depending what day you catch him on. At any rate I finally sat back after our talk and said to myself that I was going live, I needed to get better, and have the relationship I had with God before the summer started. For those who think to commit suicide takes bravery and courage because its so hard to go through with killing your self, you are wrong. Suicide is running away from what it takes to keep on living. It does take strength to end your life in some respects but we are cowards for taking the easy way out (though i wouldn't say killing your self is easy). Dying is easier than living. Living is hard for one reason. Think of when you accepted Christ as your savior, wasn't it easy? Even if you were struggling and stubborn and had a break down right before you accepted Christ in your heart it didn't take but a couple of days, or even hours. That is a process of dying with christ on the cross and rising again as a new born child with a new life in Christ. But let me ask you Christians how well you live for Him after you accepted Christ. How hard is it to every moment of your life live His word and follow His footsteps. It's hard and actually impossible to do fully. Maybe you aren't religious and so what. You usually consider yourself to be a good human being, and If you could sacrifice yourself for a stranger you would. Think of all the people you are willing to legitamately die for and you'll find it's a lot more than a hand full. Let me now ask you out of those people you are willing to die for that you would be willing to live for. If there is one she must be your wife or your daughter or the opposite, husband or son. Living is hard and it takes so much strength for me to do that it becomes physically painful for me to think a day ahead of tomorrow because each day holds a certain amount of pain and anxiety for me that the more days I add to it the more pain and anxiety consumes me and pushes me to thoughts about ending my life. For me i'm breathing today and I'm strong enough to live tomorrow. So I'll always see you tomorrow but never a day after and maybe one day I'll be able to say, see you next year.
Signed and marked by Stitches and Kisses