Thoughts For Chewing

Of course its late and i can't sleep at all. I have the choice of taking vicadin but i am not sure I should. I feel like working out and running in the rain both of which I can not right now. My breathing is heavy as if a large weight has been pressed down on my chest. This weekend I have chosen to hide from all the world and their festivities for Valentine's Day. I do not want to remember pain or feel longing for something that would ultimately end in my suffering and lonliness. You can call it bitterness but I asure you that even when i have been with a guy I never really believed in Valentine's Day. Why do you need a day to remind you to love the one whom you should be doting on regularly anyway? Isn't just another day? If it's not I would reevaluate your relationship. Please do not misunderstand me there isn't really any advice I have to give that should be valuable to anyone. What credential do I have in the advice of love when i can not hold onto one myself. I'm learning that love to me is nothing but a whisper that you could have sworn you've heard but was never loud enough to say you weren't just hearing things.
I try to fall into apathy on days like these but instead my mind takes me down a rabbit hole and in the midst of it's darkness I'm barley breathing. My anxiety is getting much worse recently. I haven't been eating and I have liked that a little too much as I used to. I don't want to go backwards but how else can I punish myself from hurting him like I did. Why couldn't I just shut up I loved him enough that it should have been easy. It wasn't that I didn't trust in his love for me but I didn't and still don't trust in love itself. I can understand why they all abandon me after seeing how ugly I really am. As my self pity and worthlessness swallows me I want out of it. there are a couple ideas in mind of how to get out. most of them should remain unsaid and will. writing them out would lure me towrds the idea more seeing it painted out in beautiful prose. No, the more logical route will be th one I choose. pyscholgist, self-efficient activity, and probably eventually God when I'm ready to face him. The weight of his Grace and my sins would send me under and as im already floundering I need to be in a stronger state of mind.
My thoughts seem chaotic and jumbled around like a bad stew. I have come to realize that I need something that will help me seperate myself from my emotions. I need to practice thinking rationally and logically. everything is irrational, emotional, and a tug-of-war never won. Everything is up for debate and its one big pool of existential nausiam. Though, nihilism is ever waiting close by for me with open an extended hand. I'm tired. btw song of the day, week, month is Paramore Turn it Off, though Brick by Boring Brick comes to a close second.