Restaurant Lives

So Im sitting at a restaurant called, Norms. Of course this is ironic since everyone in here is anything but. In front of me are three asian teens; all of them sharing their plates like most asians do. They are also talking about new technologies that are going into curing cancer. Too my left is a rather large looking lady who is apparently on a diet as she asked for cajun chicken sandwhich which bread is fried with butter and with extra mayonaise. This is apparently some how healthier than her annual half pound burger. oh and instead of fries, (since she is of course watching her weight and oh believe me it isn't going anywhere, she needn't worry her pretty round head.) she insisted a side of caeser salad with extra EXTRA ranch dressing. Now as I have been typing this to my right two tables down is three people; one in particular extremely boisterous. He is a large young man possibly 29 years old wearing a black shirt and dark blue jean with a chain on his left side. he has plugs in his ears, tatts on his arms, and his black hair is slicked back like a 50's greaser boy. He is belting out "this is love!" at the top of his lungs so china can hear, but the funny thing is no one is paying attention. some give quick glances but other than thatare left completely unbothered by his ballad. His girlfriend with vibrant dyed red hair and also with a 50's greaser look to her gets up to go to the bathroom. He not only taps her on the ass as she goes but goes on to tell his friend that his soul goal tonight was to fuck her and that he really didn't care what happens with the "kid" situation. A previous conversation him and her had earlier when they first got there was that he was suppose to spend more time with his kid. I hope you aren't too repulsed yet because a couple just walked down and was seated diagonally to me. Both are fat and though one is wearing a leopard print tight dress, and has thee biggest blonde bimbo wig i have ever seen, and wearing make-up that she must have stolen from the Bobo the clown, they are both also men. Though there is clear potential in the relationship at hand. They are both insecure with who they are, and both are extremely lonely. Not lonley but are obviously gay since its know hidden secret that this she is in fact a he. So insecure, confused, and very lonely these two already have an understanding of one another. As for the details of their progressing relationship i never want to know. People just as interesting as the customers at this restaurant are the workers in it. We have two flamming gay lads, one as a happy host and the other a manger/waiter. There are three other girl waitresses whom all seem to be at war. They sneer and sneak glares at each other; rolling their eyes after one finally get out of their way they try to stay clear and not talk together. Then as they return to floor they each smile brightly and politely ask how they can serve their customers more. It's all very fake and as the night goes the fake is even more widely displayed upon their expressions as they forget to fine tune their masks from exhaustion. One of the asian girl's have just spilled what looks to be lemonade all over her pants. Across the floor a little ways is a party of eight who are all playing cards and laughing into the night as it is around one thirty. I would like to join if I knew any of them. I can see a couple in the far corner who are so baked they are leaning on each other while sitting and almost difting to sleep into their food. At least they are queit as four drunk mexican men stumble through the door laughing and calling each other stupid and retarded. As they pass by they call me minnie and say hi winking and still laughing. Besides being slightly repulsed I have to laugh queitly to myself. There is so much crazy versitile peoples that i have seen in one night that i'm curious for anyone to walk through that door to entertain me with their stories.

Nail's Dripping Blood

This world is running out of love
But remember that God is above
And His love is forever timeless
Can't you see society's blindness

Damage of all the lost humanity
Sex trafficking, drug dealing, and poverty
This is what we know and see,
As we sit back letting all this be

Everyone is like the sand
Slipping through the fingers on your hands
Our hearts are as concrete stone
No body else's sin can we ever condone
Pull out the log from in your eyes
And finally see your reflection and realize

Where were the hands and feet of God
When little Timmy got molested by his uncle Todd
And growing up in a house with two mothers
He felt much different than all the others
Searching for a love he couldn't understand
Was finally found in another man named Stan

Did anyone see her take her father's beating
Or the way that Alison wasn't ever eating
How about all the scars on her wrists
Maybe even watched her cry while her mind twists
Was there anybody else besides God around
Sixteen, her coffin buried six foot deep in the ground

No one was ever there for them
To tell 'em of a future when
They could be set free
Praying on their knees, "Take all of me."
But who was there to say
That they didn't have to pay

So how could they know
The cross is where to go
That it is with Him that you are worthy
And in Him you'll find your beauty
No one else can save the day
Out of sin and darkness He's the Truth, the Light, the Way

Don't be good girls and good boys
God isn't Santa Clause who gives out toys
Like glass He can see right through
And He will know if our hearts are true
Be the body, be the man with nails in His hands
A revolution where passion and love stands

With a sword in His mouth and tatts on His thighs
He will speak but a word and rid the world of lies
He says stop what you are doing, come, and follow me
but my path is full of thorns, cluttered with filth, it's dirty
I know you'll fail and fall away; I aleady paid that price
Know me; The I Am, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ!

The Fall

Well there isn't anything like starting over. when you think you've reach so far and worked so hard it all falls apart and i found myself in the shower curled up into a ball with my clothes still on crying and ready to give it all up. It had seven months and two days since I last had a serious thought of attempting suicide. it had been five months three weeks and three days since I last made myself bleed. I'm ashamed that I have come back to the beginning however, this time, I have the necessary tools to redirect my thoughts. For me it will be living in the exact moment with no future or any past but strictly within that present moment in which i am living. My anxiety is back at its climax and i'm seriously debating if i don't need to get an inhaler. I have been going to a psycologist regularly, twice a week for about a month now and it has been helpful so far, yet I fear that I haven't gotten to the hard part. As of right now my exercise is keeping a journal of my deep and darkest thoughts and at the end of each month I am supposed to go back read through them. Though, I am not sure how it is supposed to help me or what I'm supposed to learn from it, I am writing. For my thoughts to be strewn out onto paper has been a terrifying experience. It had always been my thought not to keep a diary, journal, ect... for the pure fact that leaving any evidence of the twisted dark braids of my mind to anyone who might stumble upon it accident or otherwise as me horrified. I have the fear that if anyone were to know that darkness writhing inside of me not only would be terrified in return but might call attention to my inhumanity. they might have me taken away where doctors and psychologist could do experiments and studies on me, or say that I'm a danger to society and need to be contained somewhere safe. Whatever the case I do not like that there is a piece of my mind on paper awaiting lurking eyes. I have decided to put up some of those pages on here so if you are reading then you'll get to see some of the dark strands leaking from the furthest caverns of my mind. Not many people at all have been inside. Few have perhaps gotten a glimpse but not much further than that. Perhaps when you get a glimpse you will veer away as well not that I would mind but don't say I didn't warn you.