through the storm

Who do I want to be? What about my life philosophy makes me my life worth living? What am I doing everyday of my life that makes my a happier person? Do I make anyone else happy? What can I say about my life and how I have changed through out the years and yet I still find myself a fish that tries to breathe on the sandy shores. sure everyone in awhile a wave will reach me replenishing me with enough life to sustain myself until the next wave comes along, but is such a strenuous life style worth living. Always waiting for the next five minutes of happiness, pleasure, anything that makes me feel alive for the time being. There was once a time where I wasn't so in need for sustainence. I was a shell holding in all my feelings and refused to feel desire or love towards any man. Many would say I was just an independant strong woman who had her head on straight instead of all the girls with their heads in the clouds. I didn't believe in fantasy, fairy tales, or that romantic love lasted and I'm not so sure I do even til' this day. yet, I know and have seen the few families and couple who have made their lives, though not without some struggle, very joyful homes and who seem still very much in love. I have always in secret, hidden deep within my shell, wanted a love and a family such as one of those. For so long I held a deep hatred towards all the men and their horrid actions of tearing down women since the beginning of time, and as time passed along especially how men have wronged me. Yes, I might have been naive in some of my prejudices but I was years ahead in my philosophy of love. I took it extremely serious and however much I do belive in religious virtues I hid behind them as an excuse to bury my desires and my romantic emotions further within me. It wasn't just that but I was afriad of what power a man could hold over me. I saw needy girls distraught and broken hearted because of one man saying a few hurtful words, or a simple no, and no matter how obviously awful he was of man didn't matter. I see insecure little girls running around trying to be everything at once making sure their skirts are short enough and their make-up is mature enough, and so on just for a guy to say one compliment that makes them feel special for five minutes until they need more. I promise I would never be that girl. How I prevented not becoming that girl meant being as heartless and never playing hard to get but just plain being impossible to get made this very easy. What was really happening was me being shut off and locking up all my feelings so i didn't care about anyone was like locking up a wild tiger in a cage. My feelings run deeply for anything that goes on in my life. Perhaps its something about my bi-polar disorder that does this but my feelings are extremely passionate, my love, hate, anger, sadness, justices, and so on all run deep. After awhile with my feelings growing I crumbled at God's feet and suddenly an over flowing river of feelings and emotions broke through the dam I had created to keep it all at bay. for Awhile It was an amazing feeling I hadn't cried for so many years that it became all I did. As time went on these feelings had somehow taken control. The fearless independant me became paranoid and lonley. Nothing in this world inspired me to live and one day I decided I would just stop breathing. God seemed to have other plans and though it has been gradual and is still gradual he is ever patient and so is the man he put into my life. I am at a point where I am in incredible need for strength and independence. I am in greater need for my anxeity and fears about love and my life failing needs to disipate. My problem is figuring out how to keep the heart that God has gifted me with and yet keep my strength and independence that I once had without turning into a a cold hearted shell at the same time. I either open my heart to its fullest or I shut it tight to never let anyone near. My mind has been unstable that I can actually feel things clicking into place again as I start grasping concepts of how to be this beautful woman that I so desperately want to become.Geniunely Ican feel myself on the brink of my sanity and finding myself, and yet so much more frustrating when I fail and lose myself again and push away God, my wonderful boyfriend, and in some cases even my friends. I fully plan for the next year from here on to start a life that is going to send me back to myself, or rather forward to a better self that I will and can be. Apparently the first step is forgiving yourself and its the hardest one as well. So maybe I'll start with that and then follow along after.

Camarillo

If I could burn down a city and walk away with nothing but a smirk on my face it would be a small town secluded and isolated from the rest of the world. It would be a city where every one in it is full of bullshit, stuck in the same routine and running their mouths like an a bad rap albulm on repeat; sputin' all the same shit with all the same rhymes. In this town its a generation of never never land that couldn't grow up. they play the same highschool games and and im sick of their immature politics. the blindness and fake made up kindness is driving every one insane. the drugs and the pain has got everyone on edge with a twitch in their eye everytime they lie and that painted on smile singing everyone a lullabye and holding a 45 at your back. You can hear it being cocked and like a bitch you bend over like a gay porno. in this town everyone wears a strap on and no one has any balls except the ones that make all the calls. this town is sick with the plague, fucked in the brain, shittin out drama like its runnin' out of style raised wrong by their mamas'. All of the relationships are like one big acid trip flipped upside down and spun around until you don't remember which way is solid ground. love is downloaded like virus put inside us and everyone around us watches implode and vomit the tar out of all our hearts. from the very start she was suckin' whose dick while who was it's dick was put inside her. and A is with B but B is really with C who fucking D, F, and G. People here have HIV, gonaria, and dilierium. they look in the mirror and see who they want to see and never who they are. always down on their knees the girls cant remember to walk on their own two feet. like 24 hour fitness they are never out of business until they pop out kid and that girl clocked out she's outta service. The guys are too busy lookin down on women that would do anything to please them can't look up to see the love thats right before them, or above them. just little boys who only know life's toys and no joys or satisfaction like a child trying all 31 flavors and when they get to the end they start all over agian. Its one big rave party join the S and M orgie. if sex was a drug this city would all OD and stink like the sea. condemn me if I let this be no one in this town should be able procreate and its not up for debate. please let me explain why no one here is to blame for all of their shame. they are all trapped in their own insecurities and failures; going no where in their lives. so poor they spend all their money on something that will make them forget all the madness and the sadness of it all is that this town has nothing to offer but boose and marijuana because the boredom is what motivates the fights its all that get us by with out it we would all die with nothin to do but staring at all the same faces and knowing that we aren't going places in life. we are stuck with each other forever and even though we all hate each other we hate ourselves more and so we follow the script and pretend to get along with one another. walking the red carpet and winning all of the oscars we're better than than soap operas or any of the glee, gossip girl episodes. this town is the better fake town of any real world city. we have more civil war than any third world country. this is the city that I would burn and destroy without any care in world. Ill strip everyone of the plastic and give them something to cry about, to die about, its time for a little anarchy and i'm coming for the monarchy and ill start from the inside out and devour now is the hour and no one can escape because I got the keys to this city's gate and im going to lock them in NO ONE GETS OUT! their all gonna burn while i turn and smirk at Camarillo crying ashes of true blood and all the fake fucked up bullshit.

Restaurant Lives

So Im sitting at a restaurant called, Norms. Of course this is ironic since everyone in here is anything but. In front of me are three asian teens; all of them sharing their plates like most asians do. They are also talking about new technologies that are going into curing cancer. Too my left is a rather large looking lady who is apparently on a diet as she asked for cajun chicken sandwhich which bread is fried with butter and with extra mayonaise. This is apparently some how healthier than her annual half pound burger. oh and instead of fries, (since she is of course watching her weight and oh believe me it isn't going anywhere, she needn't worry her pretty round head.) she insisted a side of caeser salad with extra EXTRA ranch dressing. Now as I have been typing this to my right two tables down is three people; one in particular extremely boisterous. He is a large young man possibly 29 years old wearing a black shirt and dark blue jean with a chain on his left side. he has plugs in his ears, tatts on his arms, and his black hair is slicked back like a 50's greaser boy. He is belting out "this is love!" at the top of his lungs so china can hear, but the funny thing is no one is paying attention. some give quick glances but other than thatare left completely unbothered by his ballad. His girlfriend with vibrant dyed red hair and also with a 50's greaser look to her gets up to go to the bathroom. He not only taps her on the ass as she goes but goes on to tell his friend that his soul goal tonight was to fuck her and that he really didn't care what happens with the "kid" situation. A previous conversation him and her had earlier when they first got there was that he was suppose to spend more time with his kid. I hope you aren't too repulsed yet because a couple just walked down and was seated diagonally to me. Both are fat and though one is wearing a leopard print tight dress, and has thee biggest blonde bimbo wig i have ever seen, and wearing make-up that she must have stolen from the Bobo the clown, they are both also men. Though there is clear potential in the relationship at hand. They are both insecure with who they are, and both are extremely lonely. Not lonley but are obviously gay since its know hidden secret that this she is in fact a he. So insecure, confused, and very lonely these two already have an understanding of one another. As for the details of their progressing relationship i never want to know. People just as interesting as the customers at this restaurant are the workers in it. We have two flamming gay lads, one as a happy host and the other a manger/waiter. There are three other girl waitresses whom all seem to be at war. They sneer and sneak glares at each other; rolling their eyes after one finally get out of their way they try to stay clear and not talk together. Then as they return to floor they each smile brightly and politely ask how they can serve their customers more. It's all very fake and as the night goes the fake is even more widely displayed upon their expressions as they forget to fine tune their masks from exhaustion. One of the asian girl's have just spilled what looks to be lemonade all over her pants. Across the floor a little ways is a party of eight who are all playing cards and laughing into the night as it is around one thirty. I would like to join if I knew any of them. I can see a couple in the far corner who are so baked they are leaning on each other while sitting and almost difting to sleep into their food. At least they are queit as four drunk mexican men stumble through the door laughing and calling each other stupid and retarded. As they pass by they call me minnie and say hi winking and still laughing. Besides being slightly repulsed I have to laugh queitly to myself. There is so much crazy versitile peoples that i have seen in one night that i'm curious for anyone to walk through that door to entertain me with their stories.

Nail's Dripping Blood

This world is running out of love
But remember that God is above
And His love is forever timeless
Can't you see society's blindness

Damage of all the lost humanity
Sex trafficking, drug dealing, and poverty
This is what we know and see,
As we sit back letting all this be

Everyone is like the sand
Slipping through the fingers on your hands
Our hearts are as concrete stone
No body else's sin can we ever condone
Pull out the log from in your eyes
And finally see your reflection and realize

Where were the hands and feet of God
When little Timmy got molested by his uncle Todd
And growing up in a house with two mothers
He felt much different than all the others
Searching for a love he couldn't understand
Was finally found in another man named Stan

Did anyone see her take her father's beating
Or the way that Alison wasn't ever eating
How about all the scars on her wrists
Maybe even watched her cry while her mind twists
Was there anybody else besides God around
Sixteen, her coffin buried six foot deep in the ground

No one was ever there for them
To tell 'em of a future when
They could be set free
Praying on their knees, "Take all of me."
But who was there to say
That they didn't have to pay

So how could they know
The cross is where to go
That it is with Him that you are worthy
And in Him you'll find your beauty
No one else can save the day
Out of sin and darkness He's the Truth, the Light, the Way

Don't be good girls and good boys
God isn't Santa Clause who gives out toys
Like glass He can see right through
And He will know if our hearts are true
Be the body, be the man with nails in His hands
A revolution where passion and love stands

With a sword in His mouth and tatts on His thighs
He will speak but a word and rid the world of lies
He says stop what you are doing, come, and follow me
but my path is full of thorns, cluttered with filth, it's dirty
I know you'll fail and fall away; I aleady paid that price
Know me; The I Am, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ!

The Fall

Well there isn't anything like starting over. when you think you've reach so far and worked so hard it all falls apart and i found myself in the shower curled up into a ball with my clothes still on crying and ready to give it all up. It had seven months and two days since I last had a serious thought of attempting suicide. it had been five months three weeks and three days since I last made myself bleed. I'm ashamed that I have come back to the beginning however, this time, I have the necessary tools to redirect my thoughts. For me it will be living in the exact moment with no future or any past but strictly within that present moment in which i am living. My anxiety is back at its climax and i'm seriously debating if i don't need to get an inhaler. I have been going to a psycologist regularly, twice a week for about a month now and it has been helpful so far, yet I fear that I haven't gotten to the hard part. As of right now my exercise is keeping a journal of my deep and darkest thoughts and at the end of each month I am supposed to go back read through them. Though, I am not sure how it is supposed to help me or what I'm supposed to learn from it, I am writing. For my thoughts to be strewn out onto paper has been a terrifying experience. It had always been my thought not to keep a diary, journal, ect... for the pure fact that leaving any evidence of the twisted dark braids of my mind to anyone who might stumble upon it accident or otherwise as me horrified. I have the fear that if anyone were to know that darkness writhing inside of me not only would be terrified in return but might call attention to my inhumanity. they might have me taken away where doctors and psychologist could do experiments and studies on me, or say that I'm a danger to society and need to be contained somewhere safe. Whatever the case I do not like that there is a piece of my mind on paper awaiting lurking eyes. I have decided to put up some of those pages on here so if you are reading then you'll get to see some of the dark strands leaking from the furthest caverns of my mind. Not many people at all have been inside. Few have perhaps gotten a glimpse but not much further than that. Perhaps when you get a glimpse you will veer away as well not that I would mind but don't say I didn't warn you.

Thoughts For Chewing

Of course its late and i can't sleep at all. I have the choice of taking vicadin but i am not sure I should. I feel like working out and running in the rain both of which I can not right now. My breathing is heavy as if a large weight has been pressed down on my chest. This weekend I have chosen to hide from all the world and their festivities for Valentine's Day. I do not want to remember pain or feel longing for something that would ultimately end in my suffering and lonliness. You can call it bitterness but I asure you that even when i have been with a guy I never really believed in Valentine's Day. Why do you need a day to remind you to love the one whom you should be doting on regularly anyway? Isn't just another day? If it's not I would reevaluate your relationship. Please do not misunderstand me there isn't really any advice I have to give that should be valuable to anyone. What credential do I have in the advice of love when i can not hold onto one myself. I'm learning that love to me is nothing but a whisper that you could have sworn you've heard but was never loud enough to say you weren't just hearing things.
I try to fall into apathy on days like these but instead my mind takes me down a rabbit hole and in the midst of it's darkness I'm barley breathing. My anxiety is getting much worse recently. I haven't been eating and I have liked that a little too much as I used to. I don't want to go backwards but how else can I punish myself from hurting him like I did. Why couldn't I just shut up I loved him enough that it should have been easy. It wasn't that I didn't trust in his love for me but I didn't and still don't trust in love itself. I can understand why they all abandon me after seeing how ugly I really am. As my self pity and worthlessness swallows me I want out of it. there are a couple ideas in mind of how to get out. most of them should remain unsaid and will. writing them out would lure me towrds the idea more seeing it painted out in beautiful prose. No, the more logical route will be th one I choose. pyscholgist, self-efficient activity, and probably eventually God when I'm ready to face him. The weight of his Grace and my sins would send me under and as im already floundering I need to be in a stronger state of mind.
My thoughts seem chaotic and jumbled around like a bad stew. I have come to realize that I need something that will help me seperate myself from my emotions. I need to practice thinking rationally and logically. everything is irrational, emotional, and a tug-of-war never won. Everything is up for debate and its one big pool of existential nausiam. Though, nihilism is ever waiting close by for me with open an extended hand. I'm tired. btw song of the day, week, month is Paramore Turn it Off, though Brick by Boring Brick comes to a close second.

the wife or the girlfriend

So I recently came to an epiphany about how every guy leaves me in the end. I finally understand it and realized that not only is it completely true but it will be the very reason that I will never actually get married. Everytime a guy starts to seriously pursue me we have a lot of personal conversations. In these conversations the guy starts to get a sense of how amazing of a wife i'm giong to be. Sure they get attracted (somehow) to my general personality and quirks as a person but they are generally floored and in awe of how they actually found the girl different from the rest. They think things like "you are made for me" "we are perfect together" "i've finally found what i've been looking for." Essentially they find the girl they want forever but not necessarily right now, in me. (I realize how arrogant and full of myself I sound at the moment but a assure you this has all been said to me on how guys think about me not myself). So after finally finding the girl of their "dreams" they get the guts to do what they have to in order to become my boyfriend. Most had to fight for me others persued me for years showing me their dedication. I'm hard to impress and takes for me to see some real character in a man for me to let them into my lives in that way. There was no doubt in any of these boys' minds that they weren't truely in love with me and for what may have been the first time for them to genuinely want to prove that love to me. That in some magical extravagant way show me how sincere about "forever" they meant. They all were telling me the truth at the time when they meant it of course. All looking me in the eyes nervous and screaming at me with their very eyes; brown, blue, and green that they all had some unending love for me that not even they themselves could explain.
So where in all of hell did it fall apart. Why and what happened and who was to blame? How does a guy go from unconditionally loving you forever and ever til' death do us part and ever more after that become i'm leaving you? How does ,"I will never leave you," turn into watching them speed away as fast as they can with out so much as a glance back at you come from? My favorite of all phrases, "I will never hurt you," becomes a crooked dagger with barbs and a poisoned tip. Well for me it's because I happen to be the most perfect and the most amazing wife any guy could ever have. Oh yeah i said it. There is no one who can love or take care of a guy more or better than I can as a wife. Unfortunately this is the exact reason why guys leave me and its really ironic. The guys I date know that I'm a virgin and aspire to be until after marriage but that after I'm married I made a vow that I would have sex however, whenever, at any time they desire it. I think its healthy in a marriage and sex is an extremely good and fun thing inside marraige. Because apparently not a lot of girls do this (God only knows why) they think wow they got something good when they find me. Then when they ask for it or get bored with just making out with me as their girlfriend and not their wife, they start getting frustrated, disappointed, putting the guilt trip on me with their little sighs and tightening of their jaw muscles. Sure they try to be understanding but after a whole year or two the whole "i can do this pure thing because i love you so much," becomes a bit of task. As a girlfriend they hate it when I won't put out. They get bereaved whenever I give them the look of disapproval or when their standard of what "this is nothing," "im just playing" is actually seriously sexual and something as a wife i would do but not as their girlfriend. So difference number one as a wife you can do whatever, whenever, and you can joke around sexually, pick at me sexually, their aren't really any boundaries but as your girlfriend I'm simply off limits period. Whenever i have ever gotten sexual at all I was hesitant, never confident, always thinking I should not be doing this, or I feel uncomfortable. This drives a man nuts they hate it. As wife those dont apply because it is ok and right to be sexual. I am therefore confident, ready-to-go, never hesitant, will probably be the one to start it not forced into it. So they love who I am as a wife and not as a girlfriend.
I am really good at cooking and cleaning and any one i've dated knows, because i've cooked for them and I've definately cleaned for all of them. I'd do their laundry and fold it just right since guys are all anal about how precisely to fold their clothes. I would clean their house and make sure to keep track of things like keys, wallets, phones, other important things. I would be their personal tutor for some helping them on homework, teaching them english, help study for tests, or simply do the work for them. I would challenge them in their faith, make them think about God in different ways with out ever judging them ever or pushing too hard ever. These are small ways that I'm good at being a wife, and that I do do when I'm a girlfriend.
Things that I complain about being a girlfriend that does not matter when i'm a wife. One, you leaving me during a fight. Blowing off steam is one thing but never returning and leaving me and an unresolved fight is another. Of course when i'm your wife your eventually going to come back to your own bed which I will be in and whether you are still mad and want to sleep on the other side or want to come behind me while im sleeping and wrap your arm around me I will be there. You being with a girl I dont trust. No matter how much a girl trusts you when your in a relationship there is something so official and loyal and committing, a promise, something about the ring on the finger and "i do" that brings in a whole new level of trust and reassurance for a girl that I could trust you with a room full of naked girls. (though i'd probably question why you were in a room with them to begin with. I mean really thats just weird). So again the wife wins out from the girlfriend. More time passes and the girlfriend getting exhausting and boring and they ask themselves "where is the girl(meaning wife) that i signed on for." or " she is nothing like she said or i thought she would be why am i still with her." They think that because me as a girlfriend isn't like they wanted and that they wanted me as a wife, that now they don't want to marry me. They think how i am as girlfriend is how I will stay as wife. that i wont transition. They are so far from being right that I have to laugh for one, at them for making the biggest mistake of their lives and then two, for me because that is the very reason that I'll never get married. The irony of passing up all you ever wanted to the irony of never becoming all that I ever wanted to be for someone is astoundingly staggering to me.
In my experience I'm a terrible girlfriend and it is my fault that all my relationships fall apart. I'm to blame for all the fights and I never showed that I loved any one. I'm the girl who doesn't hug or liked being touched but if you were my boyfriend I'm the most cuddly and affectionate people I know but it has nothing to do with me loving you. I never cry but if you were my boyfriend you know i've cried for you whether good or bad either way you affected me that much. to mike, I bring pizza and soda to your little guy nights tell you that I love you and then leave you alone. I come to your rescue whether your suicidal or cutting yourself. I hold you as you break down from the pain and I come at 4:00 a.m. in morning no questions asked all I need was a "I need you." Not only did I cook and clean for all my boyfriends but for mike I'd play video games all day long and joined W.O.W. just to be with you. You wanted to see me all day long every day and dispite the clingyness i stayed with you because you asked does it matter that in the end you complained that i was the clingy one. did I complain about you hanging out with girls or you spending the night with them and was jealous all the time? yes, but i guess it didn't matter that you were constantly cheating on me and had lost my trust. Not only did you cheat on me but that you did it with my bestfriend and sometimes did it right in front of me. it doesn't matter that you lied about the drugs and alcohol and a dozen other things. You punched walls, backed me into corners, and ignored me because WOW was more important. After two months of us breaking up you were sexual in some way doesn't even matter with my sister. I still haven't forgiven either of you and i still dont know who is worse or whom i'm more upset with. The fact that almost all of camarillo cant stand me because you spread rumours about me, lied out right to them, and used your popularity and played the victim card because i was the one who ended it. so you cheated on me and i'm the bad bitch who broke your heart....And i may have ended it but i'm not the one who left. To antoine, I loved you rightly and godly. I restrained a part of who i am and let you tame the untamable. I was obedient, and i trusted you. you taught me to shut up, never to cry and to bottle it up and drop it. I let you hang out with whomever you chose no matter the girl or guy, does it matter that you refused your own friends to be with me. did it matter that i begged you to go out with your friends because you seemed to think its my fault that you have no friends anymore. its okay I'm used to the blame. when we fought i was the one to back down and submit. i gave up my pride for yours, something i've never done before. I gave up two friends for you because our relationship was more important than destroying it with the drama that would have come with them. I catered to you, merged into your culture for you, i held your hand through all your mom's surgery and held you as you cried in my arms those months your mom had cancer. loyalty, i thought you were strong in but really all you did was keep yourself from cheating. I should have left you when you left me at the taco bell. you sped off in the middle of a fight and never came back for me. you broke my trust then and never really gained it back. you couldn't understand why i cried over it for two days and became desolate for another three. i knew that if you could leave me then you couldn't take it if we had another big fight and you would leave. i couldn't trust you to be man enough to stick it out and i proved right. of course at the time it was "your being stupid i'd never leave you." No you didn't just leave me you left me three times and three times i died. "i dont know if i love you anymore." an hour went by and you swore you were crazy and didnt mean it. time passes by and it's "i dont love you anymore but i want to see if we can save this i've only been talking about getting engaged to you by next year." so a week passes and you swore you were being stupid and you loved me like brand new and talked about what you wanted for the wedding. notice i was silent. time passes and all of this with your mother getting cancer and me there through it all. " I dont love you anymore and i never will im leaving you." I'm nothingness now and a bit derranged which explains my moronic mistake named, Tyler Hannon.
I housed him, gave him money, drove him every where and i lived 40 some miles from him and his parents lived god knows how far. i'd take him there drop him off and leave or pick him up only to go back to his house before mine. He didn't want to be with me after a week of being with me lied everyday to my face all the while i took care of him. he would leave me to hang out with his ex girlfriend who hated me and still wasn't over him. he promised every day to end it and then wouldn't. i asked around thinking i was crazy and should be understanding about marin and his relationship only to find out people were saying I wasn't harsh enough. he would leave from eight at night to 2:00-5:00 in the morning after i spent so much on gas to see him and drive him even farther to his parents house in two days. he ignored my presence and starved me from any affection at all. most of the time i was silent about it but when i spoke up he said "get over it thats how i am" when in the beginning he couldn't let go of me. He tried to push for sex but whenever he went to far he couldn't go through with it. he had only wanted to get rid of me thinking i would dump him instead of being patient and having faith that he would change. which is everything i tell every other girl not to do. i've never trusted anyone like tyler before and he broke it worse than most men. i took a risk knowing that i was fresh out of a relationship but he more than assured me with lies of who he wasn't. i helped him through life and i was "the only thing keeping him close to God and alive." if i'm that special you'd think he'd hug me at least once a day or be compelled enough to want to just smile at me, or maybe wrap his arm around me. He left me wanting the wife i can be but won't be as his girlfriend. but its okay blame it on me. i put too much pressure, not enough sexuality, i'm clingy, dependpent, i demand too much, give too little love, i'm a bitch, and jealous, i'm paranoid, distrusting, and i'm always wrong in a fight, i talk too much, but i never say anything at all, i argue all the time, i shut up and drop the fight too often, and i'm doing all this and still making supper and i smile while you kiss me when inside i'm screaming for you to love me. look into my eyes and they write out a story plain and clear. wanting you to make me a priority and not just when its convienent for you. put me before your pride, your logic, your money, your, parties, your video games, your dont dos of living. If i run chase after me dont let me go, if i cry or yell hold me close, understand the difference of who i am as your girlfriend and whom i aspire to be as your future wife. If i'm wrong and dont know it do you need to make sure i know i'm wrong at the cost of our relationship? would you continue to prove that i'm wrong if you knew we were going to break up? were all those fights worth it? Am i worth you stepping down and making the gesture that you being right or me knowing i did something wrong doesn't matter and that you would rather love me? How far are you willing to drive to me? walk for me, run for me? what can you give up for me or do for me? this isn't of course one sided but in my experience nine times out of ten it has been. Can you tell me how fair it is to ask someone to be your wife without giving her the ring, without giving her that binding committment, without loyalty or honesty? how is it fair to her if she gives you her whole life and all that it really means to be a wife and you give her nothing but your rules that you can't break (like giving up sex, you won't back down from an arguement, you told yourself you'd never do such an such again, you won't run after another girl if she decides to leave.). She gives you her body, mind, and soul, her moral values, her submission, obedience and you give her a night out and complain that she needs to talk more, and when she does she needs to listen more. You give her flowers and then yell at her for wanting to talk on the phone at night with you because you dont feel like it. I'm sure she feels like giving you blow jobs everyday and picking up after your mess, and playing video games all day long with you. you can say "its her choice to i dont make her." and you know that after a couple months later its "why doesn't she play with me ever and she doesn't satisfy me ever, and she says she is clean but doesn't pick up stuff. i thought she was my dream girl what happen." you expect your girlfriend to be your wife by you only putting 100% only 20% of the time in the relationship when she has to put in 100% 101% of the time. if she makes a mistake once or twice its suddenly every day and all the time. well a girl knows how many times they screw up. they calculate, and remember their every mistake because we are masters of the emotional health of a relationship, where men not so much. they see facts and say A+b=c when we women aren't numbers. if we do something it doesn't mean its a fact of our personality we must do it all the time. also it doesn't mean that because we reacted one horrible way that we will do the same similar reaction towards something else. I learn right away and i'm careful not to make the same mistakes. or sometimes you caught me unusually when i haven't been myself for a period of time. i've gotten beat up, teased, sexually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused, everything that has ever happened bad in my life has been said to be my fault, i'm always wrong, i'm never good enough, im too weak. or too strong, too soft, or too hard, and never worth while for more than over a year to anyone. tell me how to not hate myself and think i'm insignificant? why should i have reason to believe that someone would fall to one knee because i was worth it for someone to go through the girlfriend to get to the wife? tell me i'm beautiful again for the millionth time and lie to me. why should i possibly start thinking of weddings or married life or kids when the idea of me having a happily ever after in a world of unhappy nevers tells me statistically it wont happen. i hate chik flicks because i cry. and not out of sappy love joy like the rest of girls on this earth. i hate chik fliks because i want the ending so badly and watching something that i'll realistically never have brings me so much pain i cry. if im watching a chik flik with you more than likely im getting a snack or going to the bathroom at the ending, where ever i am im not sitting with you anymore. So maybe one day miraculously a great guy will come up to me and say, "hey lets skip this girlfriend stuff and will you marry me here is the ring be my wife." otherwise i'm the awful girlfriendfriend and i'm sorry in advanced its all my fault and dont worry blame it on me because after all i can take it, i've been doing all my damn life.