The Fall

Well there isn't anything like starting over. when you think you've reach so far and worked so hard it all falls apart and i found myself in the shower curled up into a ball with my clothes still on crying and ready to give it all up. It had seven months and two days since I last had a serious thought of attempting suicide. it had been five months three weeks and three days since I last made myself bleed. I'm ashamed that I have come back to the beginning however, this time, I have the necessary tools to redirect my thoughts. For me it will be living in the exact moment with no future or any past but strictly within that present moment in which i am living. My anxiety is back at its climax and i'm seriously debating if i don't need to get an inhaler. I have been going to a psycologist regularly, twice a week for about a month now and it has been helpful so far, yet I fear that I haven't gotten to the hard part. As of right now my exercise is keeping a journal of my deep and darkest thoughts and at the end of each month I am supposed to go back read through them. Though, I am not sure how it is supposed to help me or what I'm supposed to learn from it, I am writing. For my thoughts to be strewn out onto paper has been a terrifying experience. It had always been my thought not to keep a diary, journal, ect... for the pure fact that leaving any evidence of the twisted dark braids of my mind to anyone who might stumble upon it accident or otherwise as me horrified. I have the fear that if anyone were to know that darkness writhing inside of me not only would be terrified in return but might call attention to my inhumanity. they might have me taken away where doctors and psychologist could do experiments and studies on me, or say that I'm a danger to society and need to be contained somewhere safe. Whatever the case I do not like that there is a piece of my mind on paper awaiting lurking eyes. I have decided to put up some of those pages on here so if you are reading then you'll get to see some of the dark strands leaking from the furthest caverns of my mind. Not many people at all have been inside. Few have perhaps gotten a glimpse but not much further than that. Perhaps when you get a glimpse you will veer away as well not that I would mind but don't say I didn't warn you.