through the storm

Who do I want to be? What about my life philosophy makes me my life worth living? What am I doing everyday of my life that makes my a happier person? Do I make anyone else happy? What can I say about my life and how I have changed through out the years and yet I still find myself a fish that tries to breathe on the sandy shores. sure everyone in awhile a wave will reach me replenishing me with enough life to sustain myself until the next wave comes along, but is such a strenuous life style worth living. Always waiting for the next five minutes of happiness, pleasure, anything that makes me feel alive for the time being. There was once a time where I wasn't so in need for sustainence. I was a shell holding in all my feelings and refused to feel desire or love towards any man. Many would say I was just an independant strong woman who had her head on straight instead of all the girls with their heads in the clouds. I didn't believe in fantasy, fairy tales, or that romantic love lasted and I'm not so sure I do even til' this day. yet, I know and have seen the few families and couple who have made their lives, though not without some struggle, very joyful homes and who seem still very much in love. I have always in secret, hidden deep within my shell, wanted a love and a family such as one of those. For so long I held a deep hatred towards all the men and their horrid actions of tearing down women since the beginning of time, and as time passed along especially how men have wronged me. Yes, I might have been naive in some of my prejudices but I was years ahead in my philosophy of love. I took it extremely serious and however much I do belive in religious virtues I hid behind them as an excuse to bury my desires and my romantic emotions further within me. It wasn't just that but I was afriad of what power a man could hold over me. I saw needy girls distraught and broken hearted because of one man saying a few hurtful words, or a simple no, and no matter how obviously awful he was of man didn't matter. I see insecure little girls running around trying to be everything at once making sure their skirts are short enough and their make-up is mature enough, and so on just for a guy to say one compliment that makes them feel special for five minutes until they need more. I promise I would never be that girl. How I prevented not becoming that girl meant being as heartless and never playing hard to get but just plain being impossible to get made this very easy. What was really happening was me being shut off and locking up all my feelings so i didn't care about anyone was like locking up a wild tiger in a cage. My feelings run deeply for anything that goes on in my life. Perhaps its something about my bi-polar disorder that does this but my feelings are extremely passionate, my love, hate, anger, sadness, justices, and so on all run deep. After awhile with my feelings growing I crumbled at God's feet and suddenly an over flowing river of feelings and emotions broke through the dam I had created to keep it all at bay. for Awhile It was an amazing feeling I hadn't cried for so many years that it became all I did. As time went on these feelings had somehow taken control. The fearless independant me became paranoid and lonley. Nothing in this world inspired me to live and one day I decided I would just stop breathing. God seemed to have other plans and though it has been gradual and is still gradual he is ever patient and so is the man he put into my life. I am at a point where I am in incredible need for strength and independence. I am in greater need for my anxeity and fears about love and my life failing needs to disipate. My problem is figuring out how to keep the heart that God has gifted me with and yet keep my strength and independence that I once had without turning into a a cold hearted shell at the same time. I either open my heart to its fullest or I shut it tight to never let anyone near. My mind has been unstable that I can actually feel things clicking into place again as I start grasping concepts of how to be this beautful woman that I so desperately want to become.Geniunely Ican feel myself on the brink of my sanity and finding myself, and yet so much more frustrating when I fail and lose myself again and push away God, my wonderful boyfriend, and in some cases even my friends. I fully plan for the next year from here on to start a life that is going to send me back to myself, or rather forward to a better self that I will and can be. Apparently the first step is forgiving yourself and its the hardest one as well. So maybe I'll start with that and then follow along after.