My name is not important and it isn't like any of you could pronounce it even if you heard it spoken aloud anyways. You can call me Stitches or Kisses, and which one you'll choose will more than likely be a result of the opinion you'll have of me from what you read. I go to Hope International University and this is my second year attending. I'm five-foot-three, blue-eyed, clumsy, christian, love to work out, write, read, and living has become a bit of a task for me.
July 26, 2009 i found myself drinking a glass of tequilia with a hand full of pain killers. My attempt was unsuccessful; hence me here breathing and writing to you. So besides three days of horrible sickness I lived and needless to say that when I woke up and realized I wasn't dead I was pissed and cried for a full half hour. All I wanted was to be free of that pain that I felt. Pain that whenever I would breathe it stretched on and burned. Sometimes it was sharp but it was mostly a slow suffocating burn. It wasn't just the pain but my shame that drove me to my end. I am a child of God and i'm a sinner who can never love Him the way He loves me. I know that when i'm in heaven with Him that I can love Him the way He deserves to be loved. I will be without sin or pain and my selfish nature will diminish. Why does He want to keep me here on this earth where we are seperated by the sin in our every day lives? Why doesn't He want a pure relationship with me? One, in which that I can return His perfect love for my perfect love?
People always say how selfish it is for someone to commit suicide, because of all the pain they leave behind in those they leave behind. First, this is an emotional response of anger towards feeling abandonment from that person who took themselves away. I'd like those people to understand that when I tried to kill myself it wasn't because I didnt love anyone but because I love God more than them that I'd rather be with Him. Second, people have an uncanny ability to adapt, especially to pain. Though, for some of my loved ones the effects of my suicide would be painful and devasting, and yes, it would be long lasting, but they would live on and adapt. If your wondering about a domino effect happening where a loved one grieves so much because of my suicide she or he would end up doing the same, your wrong. Everyone I know is too strong to commit suicide and at the same time they aren't strong enough to be able to go through with it, or they believe suicides go to hell and they have too strong of a faith to go through with it. Some would be so angry at me that they couldn't do it for sheer hypocracy sake or probably because their anger has numbed the pain for them enough to never hit that low that allows you to be suicidal. If that all isn't true of any of my loved ones than they have such a support group and they love someone so much that they couldn't accept their loss by ending their own lives. What I mean by that is in order for you to go through with your own suicide you have to through a grieving process of loosing all your loved ones at once as if they themselves had died, knowing that ending your own life ends up as a result of leaving everyone behind for good. So when you say that they were selfish and didn't stop to think about what they were doing, your wrong? Suicides are a result of long term depression and careful calculated planning. A suicide thinks about a million ways to kill themselves before finally planning out when, how, slow, fast, easy, violent, symbolic, where, the time of day, who they need to talk to or see right before, what they need to "finish"...
After my disappointment of my first attempt I decided to pick out when I'd do it again. I was going on a road trip with my best friend/sister/cousin up north for a little over a week and then i'd go to college. I had a day right before college where i could do it, or I could see my college friends and then on sept. 10th I would do it and decided it would be then. So Sept. 10th 2009 I saw myself dying in one of two ways. The first I'd be in the back of a car and somebody not too close to me is driving really fast on the freeway and it's busy on the freeway but not too busy so that all the cars are traveling about 70 to 80mph. This is when I simply fall out of the car. It is a violent and would probably be painful for a time but i've never really had an adversion to pain and have mostly invited it for the majority of my life anyway. Seeing a flaw in my plan it wasn't likely that some random person would be driving me on my exact dead line so I decided that I'd drown myself. I like the floating feeling of water, its symbolic and I like the way my hair looks when flowing in the water. Contrary to belief there isn't much pain in drowning if you do it correctly. After holding my breath for awhile so I can relax myself I'd breathe in and out water as if it was just air. You must make sure you tell your body not to panic because your first reaction and instinct is to get to air and knowing it is right above you, you'll jerk up and struggle for it. So calm your self and just breathe to not breathe; its an irony I like and after the first wave of sharp pain when you flood your lungs and then the brain you'll go cloudy and drift off.
As you can see it's Sept. 18th and I'm still here, and no there was no attempt. I had a conversation with my old pastor who not only has my trust and respect but has been the voice of reason in my life for a good four to five years now. He has a knack for speaking God's words out loud and spearing them right into your gut and sometimes metal barbs are attatched depending what day you catch him on. At any rate I finally sat back after our talk and said to myself that I was going live, I needed to get better, and have the relationship I had with God before the summer started. For those who think to commit suicide takes bravery and courage because its so hard to go through with killing your self, you are wrong. Suicide is running away from what it takes to keep on living. It does take strength to end your life in some respects but we are cowards for taking the easy way out (though i wouldn't say killing your self is easy). Dying is easier than living. Living is hard for one reason. Think of when you accepted Christ as your savior, wasn't it easy? Even if you were struggling and stubborn and had a break down right before you accepted Christ in your heart it didn't take but a couple of days, or even hours. That is a process of dying with christ on the cross and rising again as a new born child with a new life in Christ. But let me ask you Christians how well you live for Him after you accepted Christ. How hard is it to every moment of your life live His word and follow His footsteps. It's hard and actually impossible to do fully. Maybe you aren't religious and so what. You usually consider yourself to be a good human being, and If you could sacrifice yourself for a stranger you would. Think of all the people you are willing to legitamately die for and you'll find it's a lot more than a hand full. Let me now ask you out of those people you are willing to die for that you would be willing to live for. If there is one she must be your wife or your daughter or the opposite, husband or son. Living is hard and it takes so much strength for me to do that it becomes physically painful for me to think a day ahead of tomorrow because each day holds a certain amount of pain and anxiety for me that the more days I add to it the more pain and anxiety consumes me and pushes me to thoughts about ending my life. For me i'm breathing today and I'm strong enough to live tomorrow. So I'll always see you tomorrow but never a day after and maybe one day I'll be able to say, see you next year.
Signed and marked by Stitches and Kisses